16 Things Every Kid Who Grew Up in Church Has Experienced

If you grew up in a church, you already know there are some experiences that need zero explanation.

Regardless of where you grew up, church children were apparently raised from the same handbook.

Let’s see how many of these church-kid classics you can relate to.

1. Your mum saying “we’re leaving” means absolutely nothing

Service ended 40 minutes ago. You have your bag. Your shoes are on. You are standing by the door thinking it’s just a trip home and then in your bed doing something relaxing, then , your mum sees somebody.

And that’s it. You’re finished.

Now she’s greeting Sister Margaret, Sister Margaret’s husband, their children, their children’s children and someone who apparently used to attend your church in 2008.

You are standing beside her like an unpaid security guard.

“Mummy, can we go?” “Just wait.” Just wait = another 45 minutes.

2. Being randomly selected for Sunday school games

You came to church with one goal: Sit quietly. Go home. Suddenly, the Sunday school teacher needs two more people. You try to look invisible and avoid eye contact when the gaze falls on you and you’re immediately summoned.

In no time, you’re standing in front of 60 children playing a game you don’t understand while everybody is screaming instructions at you.

And somehow the extroverted child is already jumping around like they’ve been training for this moment since birth.

3. “Who remembers what we learnt last Sunday?”

Last Sunday, you knew the answer. Monday, you knew the answer. Tuesday, still there. Wednesday? Maybe. Thursday? But definitely gone by Friday. School events have deleted it. And by Saturday, you are now running purely on vibes.

“Who can tell us what we learnt last Sunday?”

Don’t make eye contact. Don’t breathe too loudly. Do not volunteer.

4.Getting Your Church Clothes Ready on Saturday

Saturday night had one assignment - prepare your church clothes. Outfit ironed. Shoes located. Socks found. Hair situation assessed.

Because Sunday morning was NOT the time to start looking for clothes.

Leave it till Sunday and suddenly the outfit you wanted has a mysterious stain, one sock has disappeared, and your parents are already threatening to leave.

Experienced church children knew: Saturday night was preparation. Sunday morning was survival.

5. Being Asked to Recite the Memory Verse

You practiced it at home. You said it so many times you thought you were ready for Bible Scholar of the Year. Then the Sunday school teacher asks: “Who can recite last week’s memory verse?”

Suddenly your brain goes blank. You remember the first word. You remember the last word. But everything in between is automatically Classified information.

You suddenly become fascinated by the floor, your shoelaces, and a tiny speck of dust that has apparently become your spiritual assignment. The teacher eventually notices you and says, “Go ahead.” And now you’re standing there confidently reciting:

“For God so loved the — uh— something—something — everlasting life.”

6.When You Were Told to Sit With the Children

You’re 13 and you believe you’re grown. Then somebody says: “Go and sit with the children.” The children are 6. You are offended and your mother doesn’t care.

Apparently, you are still a child in the sight of God. I guess that’s why we’re all children of God.

7.Your mother made you greet people you have never seen before

You have never heard this woman’s name in your life or even seen here face. But apparently she is your mother’s church friend from before you were born. Crazy part is hearing; “Ah! Look at you! You’ve grown!”

Ma’am. I have seen you every Sunday for the last 11 years.

WHEN WAS I SUPPOSED TO STOP GROWING?

Then she proceeds to ask; “So what class are you now?”

You are 23 and in the university.

8. Forced to perform because your mother had too much confidence in you

“She’s very good at acting.” “She sings this song so well at home.” “She can recite the memory verse.”

Your mother has basically submitted your name for Church Kids Talent of the Year without your consent. And now you’re standing at the front with a microphone, trying to deliver the performance of a lifetime because your mother has given the church expectations.

The audience is waiting. The keyboardist is ready. Your mother is smiling proudly from her seat.

And you? Your soul has left the building.

9. The children who took Sunday school competitions VERY seriously

There was always one kid digging so deep when Bible quiz starts. Everybody else is having fun but this child has memorized Leviticus, Obadiah, The genealogy of Jesus and the dimensions of Noah’s Ark - all to win some crackers, sweets or a new book.

10. When the pastor asks everyone to turn to a Bible verse

Everyone opens their Bible immediately. LOL, not you though, you’re still looking for Habakkuk.

And it gets worse because the entire church is already reading in perfect harmony while you’re aggressively flipping pages like you’re trying to stop a bomb.

You’re pretending you know exactly where you’re going. Then the person beside you whispers; “It’s before Nahum.”

Before WHO??? Who is Nahum??? How is that supposed to help me?

Now you’re flipping through the Bible looking for two men you have never met in your life, while everyone else is already on verse 4.

At this point, just tell me the page number.

11. The offering money that suddenly disappeared

Your mother gave you money for offering. You put it somewhere safe. So safe that you cannot find it. Offering basket is approaching. You check your pocket. Nothing.

Now you’re sweating. And the usher is getting closer.

12. When church camp made you meet people you would never speak to normally

You came to camp as an introvert. By day three: You have a new best friend. Someone has told you their entire family history. You have joined a WhatsApp group.

Someone has given you their nickname. You have been assigned to a group. And somehow you’re now screaming during a praise session with people whose names you didn’t know 48 hours ago.

13. The church food changes your relationship with God

You can survive a three-hour service easily once there’s an announcement that there’ll be refreshments after church.

Suddenly you have strength. You are awake. You are alert. You are fellowship’s most committed member. Because somewhere in that church hall is jollof rice and a nice bottle of soda.

14. You learned to recognize “the service is actually ending” sounds

“Let us rise…” You immediately stand up, mentally halfway home. Then comes a short prayer. Then an announcement. Then another “quick” announcement. And somehow, you’re still standing there.

The only reliable sign that church is actually ending is when your mother starts putting her things in her bag. And even then? Don’t trust it.

15. The “greet at least 10 people before you leave” rule

You’ve survived the service. The grace has been said. You can finally go home. Then the pastor says; “Before you leave, I want you to greet at least 10 people.”

You were already planning your escape route. Now you’re shaking hands, hugging strangers and giving prophetic declarations to people. And even when you try to sneak your way out, somebody is already reaching out their hand. “God bless you.”

At this point, you’re in an active campaign.

16. You could never sneak out of church

There was always somebody’s auntie watching. You try to leave early, “Where are you going?”. “Service hasn’t finished.”

Okay??? But I was not asking for permission.

You could spend the entire Sunday complaining; “I’m tired.” “Church is too long.” “Why are we still here?” “I want to go home.”

But years later, one random worship song comes on. And suddenly you’re back there. And somehow, you miss it.

Because growing up in church wasn’t just about the sermons. It was the chaos, the aunties, the Sunday school games, the forced greetings, the post-service networking, the mystery church friends, the food, the embarrassment, the songs, and your mother saying “we’re leaving” when you both knew very well that you were NOT leaving.